Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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