just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
