So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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