when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
