I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize