Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
