And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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