dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
