Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
