Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
