Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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