I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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