Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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