I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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