Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
