Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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