i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I am one with the molecules
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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