My underwear smells like fireworks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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