he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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