I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
