It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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