It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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