Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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