the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i think my cat just said my name.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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