I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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