don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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