The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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