The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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