My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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