when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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