I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid