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• (216): View more from Ohio

  I don't usually arrange sex via text message

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• (925): View more from California

  and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.

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  23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce

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• (727): View more from Florida

  hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

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• (504): View more from Louisiana

  You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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• (813): View more from Florida

  that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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  The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.

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• (585): View more from New York

  I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?

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• (408): View more from California

  that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be

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• (406): View more from Montana

  If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze

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