So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's allergic to latex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."