my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
