the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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