walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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