I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
