He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
