he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
