Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
