Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
