don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
no you cant smoke seaweed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
