I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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