Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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