turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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