my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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