it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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