Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
