I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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