Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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