I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
