Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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