It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
