peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
