They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
