Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
