please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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