just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
