this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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