fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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