woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
