The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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